Thursday, August 30, 2012

Time for a New Look Cabinet

The manner in which the chattering class is reacting to the massive corruption that is being unearthed in the run up to the Common‘wealth’ Games can be described in two ways: it is either charmingly naïve or disarmingly sanctimonious. Either ways, we again hear clarion calls from all and sundry on the need to change the ‘system’. Since change should begin at the top, here is a new look Union Cabinet that Manmohan Singh can wave at the nation with a brief mention of some key ministers and ministries:

• Lalit Modi becomes the Union Finance Minister. I don’t know what will happen to India’s finances (Though I guess you can take a guess!). But one thing is for sure. Hundreds of millions of Indians will start watching the Lok Sabha TV channel because cheerleaders from South Africa with micro mini skirts will start dancing on the aisle of the Parliament.
• Suresh Kalmadi becomes the Union Minister of Mines. This will ensure that his team of officials, advisors, friends and partners will think that all of India is an open cast mine and start digging up everything, everywhere. The aam aadmi is anyway used to the mountains of dirt that will start flying all over.
• Vijay Mallya becomes the Union Foreign Minister. His fellow Karnataka citizen S.M. Krishna may have mucked it all up. But he will be different. The moment Shah Mahmood Qureshi-the Foreign Minister of Pakistan starts opening his ‘loud’ mouth, Mallya will unveil the latest Kingfisher calendar. That will lead not only to peace, but also a jaw dropping spectacle. Who knows, even the Taliban might decide that women in Afghanistan can go without veils.

Arundhati Roy becomes the Union Home Minister. The first thing she will do is send Digvijay Singh on a Marco Polo like journey to discover the ‘root causes’. Then she will join the Gandhians with Guns in the jungles of Chattisgarh and draft a new internal security doctrine. The primary objective of the doctrine will be that at least 100 security personnel are killed every week in ambushes. Of course she won't be satisfied with that. She will have the Gandhians with Guns chop off the limbs of those who dare oppose her visions of a pastoral paradise. Since she has since long seceded from the Indian Republic, she won’t even have to take the oath of office.
• Mamata Bannerjee becomes the Union Civil Aviation Minister. I don’t know what you will do, but I will surely rediscover the joys and ecstasies of traveling by train.
• Lalu Prasad Yadav becomes the Union Surface Transport Minister. All Indian roads will start looking like Hema Malini’s cheeks. And there will be no question of any tongue in cheek.
• Prakash Karat becomes special envoy to America. Since many Americans are anyway convinced that Barack Obama is a closet Marxist, Karat will do wonders to Indo-American relations.


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